★★ (2 out of 4)
Note to fellow reviewers: What we say about “The Super Mario Brothers Galaxy Movie,” now in theaters, doesn’t matter a damn. It’ll be such a hit that “Project Hail Mary, the current box-office big kahuna, will surely topple. The computer-animated Mario epic before that, 2023’s “The Super Mario Brothers Movie,” grossed a wowza $1.3 billion while reviewers threw poison darts. No matter that “Galaxy,” from the 2007 Nintendo game, isn’t nearly as passable as the one before; just label the franchise critic proof and move on to what’s in store for gamers, nongamers, kids, families, plus a bunch of adults who never grew up.
Basically we’re watching what we always do, except this time in space, in a galaxy of bizarro small planets, where Brooklyn plumber bros, Mario and Luigi (voiced by Chris Pratt and Charlie Day), must save Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) from fire-breathing turtle monster Bowser (the inimitable Jack Black), the king of the Koopa ninja turtles.
Strike that. This time there’s a new princess, Rosalinda, voiced by slumming Oscar winner Brie Larson, and a new villain in Bowser Jr., voiced by director Benny Safdie for kids who loved the MMA violence of “The Smashing Machine.” So look at it, if you’re feeling charitable, as double the fun.
Bowser Jr. needs to rescue his rehabilitated Big Daddy, who’s been miniaturized and forced to read books (oh noooo!) for kidnapping Peach and her loyal Toad (Keegan-Michael Key). So Junior snatches Rosalinda to steal her cosmic powers. Newcomers include Donald Glover as the dinosaur Yoshi, who can only repeat his name (silly, but it works!) and Glen Powell as the hunky Top Gun-ish Fox McCloud from the Star Fox games. And Mario and Peach really do seem to have a thing going on.
Once again directed by Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic, from a script by Matthew Fogel, the film doesn't even try to reinvent the genre. It only wants to capture enough of the joystick energy of the game to cover the sins of merch pedaling and thin plotting and non-existent human feeling. The plot is just a flimsy excuse to have these characters mix it up one more time on the big screen. The first "Mario" movie, a 1993 live-action take on the 1985 Nintendo game, was colossally awful.
This ‘Galaxy’ doesn’t have an ending. It just stops as if exhausted. Now that I can relate to.
Say what you will about the piss-poor characterization, “Galaxy” really moves like a comet with a fire in its tail. It almost speeds by enough to disguise what’s wrong with it—“almost” being the operative word. The screen pops with color like a kid threw up a tummy load of gummy bears. There are more inside references and Easter eggs to stymie a fan who’s been playing these games for four decades. But nothing sticks to the wall or to any area of the heart and mind that makes you care.
If you’re not a fan, I feel for you. Most likely, you’ll feel like a piñata of confetti is relentlessly exploding in your face. It’s unforgivable that Jack Black—still the vocal joy of the movie—isn’t given a new song to sing or even a reprise of “Peaches,” his big hit from the last movie. A good tune might have helped swallow down this cinematic equivalent of junk food. “Galaxy” doesn’t have an ending. It just stops as if exhausted. Now that I can relate to.