★ (1 out of 4)
“Ho-ho holy shit”—that’s the tagline for “Christmas at the Kringles,” an R-rated gorefest for families who’d like to take a chainsaw to traditional holiday fare and replace it with a mirthless lump of laughs that don’t land and scares that even AI would call slop. Step up for a likely box office hit that proves there really is no accounting for taste.
The script of basically scraps is the wobbly work of Zack Imbrogno, which Kevin Lewis directs as if he knows exactly what he’s got. The actors look dazed at the prospect of speaking these lines. I don’t blame them, but let’s do the intros. First up are the Seversons—Mark (Ron Livingston), Julie (Rachel Bilson), and their young son Bobby (Jack Jewkes)—newcomers to the ‘burbs who think the move from the Big Apple may help save their marriage. Good luck with that.
Ho-ho hell no
Trouble starts from the moment they meet the Kringles. Nick (Thomas Lennon), his wife Carol (Arden Myrin) and their three kids are obsessed with Christmas. Not just on December the 25th, but 365 days a year. Eccentric? Try crazed and then move quickly to terrifying. Two other neighbors, a recently divorced gamer named Daryl (Donald Faison) and an unnamed, drunken mall Santa (Rob Riggle), had warned them earlier. But the Seversons soldier on even in the face of the insane perkiness practiced by the Kringles, the most punchable family in any Christmas movie in like ever.
When Julie and little Bobby pay a visit and don’t come back, Mark heads over to see what’s up. Turns out the Kringles are part of suburban carnage cult, featuring David Wain as the leader in a video designed to brainwash recruits to feel perpetual joy. Watching the cast practicing the dark art of forced gaiety left me in unforced agony.
I’m guessing the filmmakers thought they were creating something similar to the soul-stealing cult Daniel Kaluuya encountered in “Get Out.” They wish. No comparisons apply between the Oscar-nominated horror show from Jordan Peele and this torpid timewaster that feels like something puked up by the actors before they had a chance to memorize their lines. By the end, cast members, with no talent for improv, seem to be making it up as they go along.
It all comes down to Mark teaming up with Riggle’s bad Santa to bring down the Kringles and save his family. Somebody does wear a Christmas-themed bondage outfit, so that counts as surprising, I guess. Everything else is pokey and predictable. Don’t be fooled by the opening scene of a woman’s severed head being used to top a Christmas tree. It’s all downhill from there. My reaction? Ho-ho hell no!