★½ (1½ out of 4)
My son Alex enjoys stumping me with movie statistics, so he threw this one at me about the OG “Anaconda," released in 1997: “Dad, is Jon Voight the only Oscar winner to ever be swallowed by a snake on screen?” My answer was yes. And it still is. Actors are indeed gulped down by a humungous, fanged snake in this rebooted-for-no-reason “Anaconda,” but none are Oscar winners, though I have hopes that star Jack Black may one day be in possession of a gold statue.
Just not this time. The first “Anaconda” was meant to be a standard thriller. Instead, it was a so-bad-it’s-good campfest with mucho giggles generated by Voight’s bizarro accent, the nonacting of JLo, Ice Cube, and an animatronic snake deservedly nominated for a Razzie (the anti-Oscar) as worst new star. “Anaconda” 2025, meant to be a joke-a-minute parody of the first, is actually running on empty in the laugh department, preferring to pass as a meta action flick with no scenes you haven’t seen before and precious few reasons to smile, except for a sight gag with a reptile-baiting Black wearing a wild boar on his back and a dead squirrel in his mouth.
Black is stuck in second gear, never able to rip like we want him to. He plays Doug, a wedding videographer leading a “B, maybe B+ life” in Buffalo, New York and pretending his bride videos are “films.” Delusional Doug sees a maybe way out when his best pal, Griff (Paul Rudd in lovable jerk mode), a struggling actor (he did four episodes of TV’s “S.W.A.T) asks Doug to write and direct a cheapo, indie reboot of “Anaconda.” Griff claims he just bought the redo rights for a song.
Griff wants to call their film, “The Anaconda” and refers to it as “a spiritual sequel.” Those digs at Hollywood marketing terminology got my hopes up that director-cowriter Tom Gormican was giving us more of the pinwheeling satire he sprinkled all over “The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent,” in which Nic Cage lampooned himself for starring in action junk where “the dialogue is either screamed or whispered and everything is on fire.”
This rebooted-for-no-reason ‘Anaconda’ is running on empty in the laugh department.
Satire soon gives way to stoopid in this “Anaconda” as we watch Black and Rudd, along with aging childhood buds burnout Kenny (a priceless Steve Zahn) and divorced Claire (Thandiwe Newton, wasted), take off for the Amazon rainforest to shoot a tribute (cost around 9000 bucks) to the amateur movie they made as kids. That one was called “The Quatch,” an R-rated school project inspired by early Scorsese and “The Creature from the Black Lagoon.” It captures the bumbling bliss the high-priced 2025 “Anaconda” misses.
Nothing is scary in this “Anaconda,” despite the presence of snake handler Santiago (Selton Mello) and boat captain Ana (Daniela Melchior) who looks dangerous. A comedy, even one this toothless, always lowers the real-life stakes. It’s OK fun watching the actors do Voight impressions and practice double head-butts, but the plot itself goes nowhere with gold-hunting marauders entering out of nowhere, just like the alleged story twists that defy logic and deliver zero entertainment value. As for yet another lousy CGI snake, really?
The only time I smiled was when a big boat passes our motley crew. They’re here to film a legacy “Anaconda” sequel for Sony costarring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube, who cameo here as characters who survived the first film. “Hollywood has no new ideas,” apologizes one of the boat techies. Truer words.
The “Anaconda” IP has already spewed out four sequels and a Chinese remake. For its affection for what came before, I give this new trip down memory lane a D, maybe a D+ for old time’s sake. And for watching Black and Rudd try to make the best of a bad situation. If you still want to give “Anaconda” a go, it will surely slither over to streaming in no time flat.